


(Everyone Need) Pieces of Silver Stars

by Lyra_Dhani



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Family, Fluff, Gen, Random plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2018-10-09 13:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10413447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyra_Dhani/pseuds/Lyra_Dhani
Summary: A collection of drabbles.Chapter 11:When being left under the rainfall alone for too long, Kagura’s eyes became so distant, as if her entire presence had shifted to somewhere else completely. Gintoki didn’t hate rain exactly, but he did hate the grey sky, hating how unnaturaly quiet it could be.And Shinpachi really couldn’t stand the thunder.





	1. sharing is good but the warm feeling of love is even nicer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinpachi and Kagura didn't like to share

It was definitely a good thing that Gintoki didn't realize what kind of effect he had to people like Sacchan and Tsukuyo and Shinpachi wished it could stay that way forever.

It had to stay that way.

Sacchan was different because she was a friend (but Kagura still pranked her on regular basis for her creepiness) and Tsukuyo didn't wish for it (sometimes, she glanced at Gintoki a little too often, though, and got smacked by Kagura's umbrella more than once), but everyone else was considered a disturbance to their daily life.

So, when a woman laughed at Gintoki's joke and her eyes brightened with love, lust, affection, or something equally disgusting, Kagura and Sadaharu incidentally sent the poor bitch into hospital.

Gintoki scolded her because they were (always) running out of money and couldn't afford to pay the hospital's bills, but Kagura just stuck out her tongue.

She glanced at Shinpachi who was standing at the doorway and he knew what she was thinking.

Even this moment was precious and they couldn't let anyone take it away. Gintoki belonged to them and that was how it'd always been.

They wouldn't let anyone take it away from them.

.  
.

"Thanks for your help, Gin-san!"

Kagura scowled.

"Sure, Mai-chan."

Shinpachi's shoulder tensed. 

The lady was flirting with Gintoki now and if it weren't for the fact that the client hadn't paid the reward, Shinpachi would have instructed Sadaharu to bite her. And left a few poops as bonus.

"Perhaps I can take you to dinner as a reward?"

Shinpachi didn't hesitate this time. 

The bitch screeched and fainted immediately when Sadaharu bit her head. Kagura wordlessly took her money and hugged Sadaharu, whispering Good Boy and petting him fondly.

"Look at what you've done," Gintoki said exasperatedly. "I am sure she won't hire us anymore after this."

Shinpachi and Kagura smirked at each other. Gintoki looked puzzled, but didn't comment on their happiness over losing a potential client.

.  
.

"Pay your rent, already, you good-for-nothing-brat!"

"I am not a brat!"

"Then act like it!"

Shinpachi saw Gintoki entered the shop, looking carefree like usual. He opened his mouth, ready to greet him but paused when he saw a man stealing a glance at Gintoki.

After a few minutes, the man was openly staring. Shinpachi's eyes narrowed when he recognized the lust in his eyes.

Kagura, who was busy bantering with Catherine realized what was wrong immediately. 

Gintoki titled his head. "What is it? Is there something on my face?"

"Yes, you look like shit today," Kagura said. "Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You need to take a bath." 

Gintoki immediately went to the apartement, followed closely by Sadaharu.

The man from before was still staring at Gintoki's retreating figure.

It it weren't for Otose's warning look, Shinpachi would have cut him to pieces right away.

Otose sighed. "You guys need to loosen up. He'll get laid someday but Gintoki isn't the type to abandon his kids just because he has someone to love. In fact, nothing will change. Isn't that right, Tama?"

But Tama already choked the son-of-a-bitch to the death. She didn't kill the guy in the end, but he was sent to the hospital in critical condition afterward.

Otose could only facepalmed. But she should have realized that they were greedy and selfish. They wanted Gintoki all to themselves.

Gintoki belonged to them.

.  
.

Shinpachi throw away all the valentine chocolates (including his own chocolate too so Gintoki didn't have to be so cranky about it). He gave it to Madao, claiming it as a token of gratitude from the Yorozuya. Luckily, the homeless drifter didn't comment on the disgusting pink color and the stupid love-shape.

Kagura burned all the love letters and glared at anyone who approached them with a chocolate package in hands.

She accepted Sacchan's and Tsukiyo's, but only because they tried to help her giving chocolate to Gintoki and Shinpachi before.

Shinpachi supposed that was fine as long as they pretended it was chocolate of friendship. Besides, Gintoki seemed happy as he ate it while lamenting why not many people gave him chocolate since he was awesome and all (he had no idea). 

Kagura kicked him, but the atmospehere stayed lively just as they wanted it to be.

They wouldn't let anyone take it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone noticed, I edited the title chapter because I'd rather do it Gintama-style


	2. fight can make things worse and subsequently make things better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takasugi and Gintoki had a fight

"There'll be a riot if it keeps up like this," Katsura sighed.

Sakamoto glanced toward Gintoki and Takasugi who ate in one table but stubbornly refused to talk to each other.

It was just another childish fight but different. But different because they had said something truly hurtful to each other, something they definitely regret but too afraid to admit it.

Katsura didn't remember the heartbreaking insult and he was pretty sure neither of them remembered it too. They were just being childish. Again.

Sometimes Katsura wondered whether his childhood friends even knew that they were considered as leaders, as the generals, among the Joui patriot.

They shouldn't act as they pleased. The men here admired them, believed in them, perhaps more than they believe in themselves.

The result wasn't always good.

(Their looks of hope were too much and at some point it became a burden. Save me! those looks said. But in the battlefield, people dropped dead everytime and Katsura couldn't stop it.)

"We have to do something," Katsura said. Because he was the only one between them who was sane enough to stop this soon-to-be chaos.

Sakamoto nodded, smiling optimistically as usual.

.  
.

"You can always say sorry," Katsura offered.

Gintoki glared. Any other patriot would have cowered instantly but Katsura knew the I-am-going-to-kick-your-ass Gintoki and I-am-going-to-rip-off-your-intestines Gintoki.

This Gintoki, however, wasn't any of that. He was angry at himself. This, too, wasn't exactly new.

("I can't save them," Gintoki said bitterly, his clothes soaking red and his eyes blazing with regret.)

"Shut up, Zura."

"It's Katsura."

Gintoki didn't respond. He was distracted ever since his big fight with Takasugi, eyes always scanning for the short guy.

He was really stubborn. Then again, Gintoki always hid his own emotion and feeling. Ouright apologizing for a mistake he didn't want to admit just wasn't his character.

Katsura stroked his chin. This was more difficult than he thought.

.  
.

Katsura gave the same advice towards Takasugi who just scoffed and ignored him for the rest of his lectures.

This was really difficult.

"Just what did he say to you that made you so angry?" Sakamoto asked.

Takasugi frowned. "Does it matter? The fact doesn't change that he insulted me."

"You don't remember the insult, do you?" Katsura said flatly.

"..."

What a stubborn idiot.

.  
.

"I overheard a few men arguing about Gintoki faction and Takasugi faction," Sakamoto said. There was a sharp edge to his smile. "Zura, if we don't fix this-"

"I know," Katsura said tiredly.

There was a growing tension between the soldiers. And all of it started because of one childish fight.

.  
.

"I saw his expression when I insulted him," Gintoki slurred, his face red. Not for the first time, Katsura wondered where he got the alcohol while he obviously wasn't allowed to legally drink yet.

(Then again, the battlefield followed no rule.)

"I hurt him, Zura."

Drunk-Gintoki was a little more honest than sober-Gintoki. This was one of the only reasons why Katsura let him drunk. By being more honest, Gintoki shared his burden, the burden he wanted to keep all by himself.

"He'll forgive you," Katsura said.

"What if he doesn't? What if he hates me more?"

"Is that why you hide your feeling all this time?"

Gintoki didn't answer. He was already asleep. 

.  
.

"Takasugi-shi is scared too, Zura," Sakamoto said solemnly. "He won't admit it but I know he is."

"Both of them are idiots."

"What should we do?"

There was one last method, a method he'd rather avoid.

.  
.

The next day, Takasugi accidentally bumped toward Gintoki which made him drop his porridge.

It quickly turned it a fight.

"Watch where you're going, short stuff!!"

"Who are you calling short, idiot permed head?!"

Katsura watched the fight with a satisfied smile. 

The truth was, it wasn't an accident at all. It was Katsura who purposefully shoved Takasugi toward Gintoki.

It was Katsura who created this childish fight.

.  
.

"Why didn't you do it from the very start?" Sakamoto asked, glancing at Gintoki and Takasugi who argued over the table. 

"They'd lose their chance to apologise. Without apologizing properly, the guilt will always be there at their mind."

"But you knew that it would come this, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Katsura said, sighing tiredly. "Yeah, I knew."

He knew that Gintoki and Takasugi would be too scared to face each other.

They were just a bunch of idiots, weren't they? All of them were.

"It's okay," Sakamoto said. His smile wasn't as bright as usual but the optimism was still there, never changing ever since he first arrived at the battlefield. "Gintoki and Takasugi can handle it. That's just the kind of guy they are."

.  
.

Years later, Gintoki and Takasugi was still so stubborn.

Katsura watched as they hated each other, pointing sword at each other's neck even though the one they really hate was their own self.

They refused to apologize and as usual, it just took one childish fight to fix it.

(It wasn't the way Katsura wanted it to be and the bond between them wouldn't be the same, but Sakamoto was right. They could handle it.)

.  
.


	3. believe in what you want to believe and just ignore everything else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinpachi stumbled upon an abandoned shrine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A late warning: english isn't my native languange. Tell me if there's any grammar mistake.

The shrine was old and small but it radiated strong aura, strong enough to make Shinpachi offered whataver money he had left in his pocket and prayed for samurai's pride because Edo needed it.

It was dumb but Shinpachi couldn't help it. He was tired being looked down upon. 

He wanted to be a true samurai, not a lame assistan boy.

Shinpachi didn't expect anything, not really. He didn't expect something to magically fall down from the sky and he certainly didn't expect a white-haired man walked out of the shrine.

"What are you doing here, brat?" The man asked with a bored tone. Shinpachi noticed that his hair wasn't white at all. It was more like silver, seemingly glowing in the sunlight. "Leave. There's nothing here to see."

.  
.

Shinpachi didn't know why, but he visited the shrine again. Perhaps it was the curiosity or he was just really stupid, but at least it wasn't out of desperation.

The odd man was sitting in the wooden floor, leaning againts the wall with his hands in the back of his head, his eyes closed.

When Shinpachi approached, he opened one eye, calmly watching as if he knew that Shinpachi would come again.

"Are you lost, brat?" The man said, picking his nose.

"No, I am not."

"You're definitely lost. Don't worry, it's common for a brat like you to lost your way. But coming to this place isn't going to help."

"I am not lost!" But the man was right. Coming to this place was a dumb idea. "Give me back my money!"

"What money? I don't steal any money from you, brat!"

.  
.

His name was Sakata Gintoki. He always insisted that he didn't care, that Shinpachi could just take care of his own problem and don't drag innocent people into this, dammit!

But he saved Otae anyway. He was so infuriating and crazy and Shinpachi didn't know why he still put up with the strange man, why he visited the shrine everyday even though he knew it was just a waste of time.

Eventually, he stopped working as an assistant boy and worked in the shrine instead.

Otae encouraged him with her smile and that was enough.

One day, when he was coming back from the shrine, his sister smiled serenely and said, "I am glad you finally found your path, Shin-chan."

That was when he realized that perhaps Gintoki was right after all. All this time, he was truly lost, wasn't he?

Actually, he was still lost.

But Shinpachi found himself didn't mind at all. As long as long he could chase that man's back, he didn't mind being lost.

The darkness wasn't as suffocating and the void didn't look as hopeless.

This was fine. Things would be alright.

.  
.  
.  
.

Kagura never thought that she would become a priestess one day. It didn't sound as interesting as being a hunter or a pirate but at least it was much better than kicking some poor guy who didn't deserve it.

Besides, working as priestess in Gin's place was sure fun!

Kagura could kick some guy who actually deserve it and there was this kind old woman who frequently prayed in the shrine and gave them food and offered her a place to stay. 

Otose seemed fond of the shrine or whatever deity which lived here. 

Kagura, despite being a priestess as her part-time job, never believed in god or anything like that.

But she could feel the strange soothing aura around the shrine, warm and calming like a summer breeze.

It reminded her to Gintoki's laugh. When Gintoki laughed, the world seemingly laughed with him. The trees danced happily and the sky looked great and the world was just so beautiful.

Maybe there was really a god living in this shrine after all.

So the next time Otose came to pray as usual, Kagura followed her example.

"Thank you, whatever and whoever you are, for letting me stay in this shrine!" She said out loud so the god could hear her.

Otose smiled.

.  
.

Umibouzu wanted to take her away and Gintoki did nothing to stop him.

In the end, even though she understood his good intention, she wanted to stay in the small old shrine, the shrine which radiated warmth and love and kindness just like Gin-san's genuine smile. 

She would devote all her life for this shrine if she had to.

So she did. 

.  
.

Beyond Katsura's strange quirk and his absurd fondness for weird-looking animal, Kagura didn't know anything about him at all.

That was natural. They each had their own life before their path crossing in the shrine and it was fine if Katsura didn't want to tell anything about his life, Kagura didn't want to tell him anything about her life either.

One day, he told her a story.

"Once upon a time, there was a god which protected the Edo. But he looked more like a blood-stained demon that he often got mistaken as one," Katsura chuckled a little. "The Shiroyasha, that was how they called him."

He smiled, his eyes distant, lost in the memory.

That was when it occured to Kagura that she knew nothing of this man.

But Katsura was kind and he fiercely cared for the shrine and that was what really mattered.

(Then she realized that she didn't really know Gintoki too but it didn't matter either.)

.  
.

"What happened to the Shiroyasha?"

Katsura shrugged "I don't know. The legend simply faded."

"If we revive the legend, can we meet him? Here?"

"Why? Do you want to meet him?"

"Yes! He sounded very lonely!"

"Lonely, eh?" Katsura glanced toward Gintoki who was leaning sleepily againts a tree. Kagura had a strong feeling he was actually listening. "Yes, he sounded very lonely indeed."

.  
.  
.  
.

Sakata Gintoki was a suspicious man (because what kind of samurai living in the old deserted shrine?).

And he was really annoying too, always brought chaos and uproar to wherever he went.

That was what Hijikata thought about him but Kondou insisted that Gintoki was a good man even thought the silver-haired idiot had kicked his butt once.

"Have you heard of Shiroyasha, Tosshi?" Kondou asked him one day.

Hijikata frowned. "No."

"Once when I was little, my teacher told me a legend," Kondou said, eyes twinkling with nostalgia. "Shiroyasha was actually a god but he got mistaken as a demon. But despite his demonic form, he was actually very kind. If you prayed to him, he wouldn't abandon your wish."

"Why are telling me this, Kondou-san?"

Kondou shrugged. "I just want to share a story."

.  
.

Hijikata wondered whether Kondou had knew it then, that they would get themself into a difficult situation which Hijikata couldn't do anything about beside reading Jump and watching Anime.

His body was not in his control anymore but when he came upon the old shrine, his mind suddenly cleared and the curse of the sword momentarily broken.

Shiroyasha wouldn't abandon your wish.

Hijikata honestly didn't believe in anything like that but was he was desperate enough to try.

Please protect Shinsengumi.

And then Sakata Gintoki walked out of the shrine.

"Oi, Mayora, what are doing here dressed like that?"

.  
.

Hijikata knew that not even god could revive the dead but he tried anyway.

It wasn't just a matter of his feeling. Mitsuba deseved better than this. 

"The dead is supposed to stay dead," Gintoki said grimly. "Okita-kun had prayed to this shrine yesterday, asking for the same thing. It's impossible."

Hijikata felt his throat became dry. He swallowed a sob. "That's not fair."

Gintoki's eyes softened. "The world isn't fair. You know that better than anyone."

His red eyes seemed like boring into his soul.

Kondou gave that effect sometimes but Hijikata had never felt so exposed.

It was like Gintoki could see everything. Like he knew that Hijikata had done so many unforgivable sins even though he wasn't there to see his brother's eyes crushed.

Then Gintoki looked away and the moment was gone. His red eyes looked as dead as ever.

.  
.

Hijikata had never believed in god but whenever the situation became particularly serious, he prayed to shrine.

It had become a habit for him, Okita, and Kondou.

It was like a good luck charm even though he knew that it gave no real meaning.

Gintoki was always there whenever he visited, sometimes mocking him, sometimes just watching silently.

It made Hijikata wonder. Just what was this shrine to Sakata Gintoki?

Gintoki didn't work here like Shinpachi and Kagura. He simply lived in the shrine as if he owned this place.

Hijikata decided he didn't want to know.

.  
.


	4. chronic sickness isn't as dangerous as chronic idiocy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki was dying

Gintoki was dying. Shinpachi never thought it was possible despite the trouble they kept getting themselves into and the unhealthy amount of sugar Gintoki ate everyday.

Because this was Gintoki.

He survived the goddman war, fought the strongest Yato warrior, and at one point made the whole country his enemy.

The irony was, Gintoki wasn't dying in a honorable battlefield, fighting for the sake of everyone (but never for his own). No, he was dying in his own bed, coughing blood and getting weaker everyday.

No one noticed it at first (Shinpachi had a suspicion Gintoki hid it from them. The bastard was good at hiding things). It wasn't until Gintoki coughing up blood right in front of their eyes that they realised something was off.

Gintoki acted like usual, casually reading Jump and asking for strawberry milk. Death never scared him.

But Shinpachi still wished the idiot could understand.

Scared of death was one thing but afraid of losing the one you love was another thing entirely.

Besides, it wasn't just about the fear. It was also about the blinding desperation and the maddening grief.

They each coped in their own way. Kagura went to space, looking for the cure.

Shinpachi didn't miss the look on the baldy's face when Kagura had declared she would leave the Earth. Umibouzu had looked so distant back then, as if he wasn't entirely there.

The apartement was so quiet when she had left.

"She'll come back again, right, Gin-san?" Shinpachi had asked, because the rare peacefulness was too much for him to bear.

Gintoki smiled, all knowing and sad and Shinpachi had to look away because it reminded him too much of his father, of the day he had gone without any regret.

"Of course. This place is her home, after all."

No, this place wasn't her home.

It was Gintoki who accepted them. Gintoki was their home.

Where would she come back to if Gintoki weren't here anymore?

"Yes," Shinpachi said, determination flaring brightly in his heart. "She'll come back to her home. I'll make sure of it."

Until then, he would keep Gin alive.

.

Between managing the dojo and doing his Yorozuya job all by himself, Shinpachi almost had no time to take care of Gintoki.

He knew it didn't really matter. Tsukuyo regularly visited (with excuses but Shinpachi knew that she wasn't here for any business), Sacchan rarely left Gintoki's side (to the point Shinpachi had to chase her away because she could be really creepy), and there were Aneue and Kyuubei as well who brightened the mood with their smiles.

Sometimes, Shinpachi would come to the apartement and found Madao sleeping on the floor or Katsura playing UNO card with Elizabeth, or just some random idiots doing completely random things.

That was good but the point was, Shinpachi wasn't there.

He wasn't there with Gintoki.

"You don't have to continue this useless job, you know," his (wonderful, bright, dazzling) sister had said with a smile.

She smiled like she knew Shinpachi would refuse, would say no without hesitation.

That day, he finished a job and had gotten the contact of the best doctor in Edo as the reward.

.

"Come here," Gintoki pat the space next to him. 

It looked vey tempting, but Shinpahi had no time to waste. He had to meet a client in a hour.

The client had promised a rare medicene as a reward. This was a good opportunity, he had to do this, the goddamn job-

But Gintoki already grabbed his sleeves and forcefully dragged him to the bed.

Shinpachi stumbled and he ended up lying beside Gintoki, a hand in the back of his head keeping him there.

"Geez, you look like a glasses zombie. When was the last time you sleep?"

"Gin-san," Shinpachi said, exasperated. "I have to work."

"What are you? A glasses robot?"

"Do you really have to mention the glasses?"

Gin said something but Shinpachi already shut his eyes, snuggling closer. This felt good and warm and he honestly didn't remember the last time he had felt so relaxed.

.  
.

 

The first time Sougo had known Gintoki's condition, Shinpachi was fighting a hybrid monster alone far away from Kabuki-chou. It was weird to see the boy fighting alone and weider to not see Gintoki and Kagura anywhere near him.

"Where's Danna and China girl, Glasses boy?"

Shinpachi's eyes darkened behind the lenses and Sougo could see the all-too familiar grief, almost like loooking at himself.

When Shinpachi answered, emptiness in his voice, Sougo felt like the world was turning upside down.

.

It was like watching a repetitive tragedy.

Gintoki smiled, waving lazily at him, Shinpachi hovering at his side. He didn't look sick at all. Sougo almost thought it was just a cruel prank (the China girl had done it before, after all).

Then, Gintoki coughed and suddenly, instead of looking at Gintoki, Sougo saw his own sister, alive but broken, weakening and dying.

A repetitive tragedy.

"Okita-kun?" Gintoki tilted his head.

Sougo swallowed, looking at Gintoki's face and his sister's concerned smile. The past was overlapping with the present and Sougo was stuck in the middle.

"Okita-kun," Gintoki called again. It was the firmness in his voice which snapped Sougo to the reality.

"Danna." 

Somehow, his voice didn't shake.

"I am fine, sadistic brat. Don't worry too much."

Sougo blinked. In the end, he could only say, "Yeah."

.

Sometimes Sougo wished he could stay in his own illusion where his sister was still alive and his big brother figure (his general, his friend) wasn't going to die because of some stupid sickness.

It was a cowardly thing to do but Sougo didn't care. 

.  
.

Gintoki's sickness affected the Yorozuya and possibly, the whole town.

Kagura went to space, looking for the cure, while Shinpachi worked hard while searching for any kind of information in earth about rare medicene, best doctor, and medical plant.

It was kind of ironic that in their attempt to help Gintoki, they had to leave him.

Umibouzu knew that it wasn't what Gintoki want, that he'd rather die than being alone.

His red eyes told him so.

Such a pair of red and lonely eyes.

Just like Kouka's.

Perhaps, that was why Kagura was drawn to him in the first place. They were really alike, weren't they? Father and daughter.

The day Kagura had declared to him that she would travel into space with him, Umibouzu saw his reflection, saw the frantic fear and the growing desperation.

And looking at Gintoki now, Umibouzu saw the flickering image of the past, of his lovely wife, of the suffocating grief he wanted to wipe away.

Kagura was sleeping beside Gintoki, clinging to him as if he was a giant teddy bear.

"Can't you stop her?" Gintoki asked. "It's fine. She doesn't have to go."

Umibouzu shook his head sadly.

Gintoki's room was full of flowers, potted plant, and completely random stuff, but what Umbouzu saw was Kouka's old empty room.

"Just like how you choose to die with your family, they choose to save you."

"You don't understand," Gintoki said and Umibouzu almost wanted to laugh. This man was so much younger than him. He didn't know the world as much as Umibouzu and yet he claimed that Umibouzu didn't understand. 

"I don't want to be saved. People die everyday. It's human's nature. But we don't have to die alone. I just..."

Don't want to be alone.

But it was the same for them.

"They don't want to see you die," Umibouzu said even though he was sure Gintoki already understood this. "You'll do the same for them, won't you?" 

Gintoki bit his lip. "I don't know."

Such a lonely creature they were, Gintoki and Kouka.

Umibouzu looked away before the image of the past became too real, too painful for him to see.

.  
.

"I can fight," Gintoki slurred, red eyes unfocused. "I can save them."

"Drink this, Gintoki," Katsura said calmly, forcing the medicine down to Gintoki's throat.

"Zura...?"

"It's not Zura. It's Katsura."

"Zura, I am sorry..." Gintoki sobbed and Katsura felt something inside him shattered. "All of them are dead, aren't they? I am sorry..."

Sakata Gintoki never cried. Never. Not when they were fighting a hopeless battle they knew they couldn't win.

Not even when they were still a brat, childish and immature. (But even then, Gintoki had always been so different, eyes didn't look so innocent as he stared at the sky emotionlessly.)

"Ssst..." Katsura wiped his forehead. "It's not your fault."

But Gintoki didn't listen. He kept muttering apology, mentioning a bunch of names and Katsura almost lost it when he mentioned that name.

"Shoyou," he choked on. Katsura bit his lip, forcing himself to stay calm even though what he really wanted to do was crying with his friend, his brother.

It sounded terribly painful and heartwrenching and he was just so damn pathetic. 

But he had to stay strong for Gintoki, for both of them.

.

It was partially Sakamoto's fault that Gintoki's room became so messy.

Whenever he visited, he gave things like jewelries, foods, and rare plants. And then the other started giving Gintoki gifts and presents too.

(Before they realized it, the whole thing had become a competition to see who could give the best present.)

Sakamoto acted like usual, laughing and smiling like an idiot he was, but when Gintoki drifted off to sleep, his smile immediately faded.

There was fear in his eyes.

To be honest, Katsura was scared too, but watching the fear reflected in those unnaturaly bright eyes, his own fear felt ten time more real.

Sakamoto wasn't scared of anything. He never trembled againts the sight of enemy, no matter how strong their opponent was, always smiling for the hope of tomorrow as if nothing could scare him.

But then again, Katsura never thought Gintoki could cry either.

"He's going to be fine, isn't he?" Sakamoto asked, his tone lacking its usual optimism.

Katsura somehow managed to smile.

He had to stay strong.

"Of course."

.  
.

Gintoki's sickness lasted for two months.

Those days felt like hell, people went back and forth searching for a way to fix this, for a way to make things better.

It was worth it in the end because Gintoki was alive. He fought the sickness and survived.

And then life went on, the Yorozuya trio was back, and everything was back like usual.

The past two months was more like a passing dream (more like a terrible nightmare actually, but none of them wanted to admit that).

It was finally over.

But there were times when Gintoki coughed and Kagura and Shinpachi went still, everyone else froze, and time seemed like stopping, then Gintoki would act stupid like usual and then life went on again.

Things would be alright.

It was truly over.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and the comments, guys. I am happy that anyone want to put up with this. Please tell me if I made grammar mistakes somewhere. I am trying to improve my english writing skill.


	5. dream is pale reflection of reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki dreamed of Shoyou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and the comment, guys!! It's really supporting!

.  
.

"He's insane," Katsura said, his face undreadable. "I think he's lost his mind, Gintoki."

All of us are, Gintoki wanted to say.

War could do that to you, twisting your soul and wrecking it from inside, the worst kind of torture.

They were just better at hiding it, unlike Takasugi who chuckled madly and smirked like a maniac at the face of destruction.

Gintoki was losing his mind too. And Katsura was simply never the same.

He calmly sipped his drink and watched as the snow falling down from the sky.

Kagura and Shinpachi was playing outside, building snowman like the kids they were.

Accross the road, there was a man staring back at him, smiling that familiar gentle smile.

The man was gone the minute Gintoki blinked.

.  
.

Gintoki wondered whether Katsura had the same hallucination, the same dream, the same imagination.

Shoyou was dead but he was here, watching Gintoki bandaging his wound.

"You can always leave Yoshiwara and Housen alone," Shoyou said, his face was unreadable. "But you didn't. You saved Yoshiwara."

"I wasn't saving anything," Gintoki winced a little. The wound was deeper than he thought. "I just want to meet the most beatiful courtesan in Yoshiwara. That's all."

Shoyou smiled, "You haven't changed."

Gintoki paused at that. He remembered eyes staring livelessly at him, bloods staining his clothes, a sword in his hand.

"Yeah," he said in the end, staring at his reflection in Shoyou's (supposed) dead eyes. He could see the demon child, the demon who killed and killed and survived all alone.

At the end of the day, there were only him and piles of corpse.

"I haven't changed at all."

.  
.

When Gintoki was alone, no bright laugh and straight man joke accompanying him, Shoyou came to him.

"What do you think of death, Gintoki?" He asked one day, his smile didn't reach his eyes. It felt wrong to see him like this. Shoyou's eyes never looked so empty, even when Gintoki raised his sword with the intention to kill him.

(It did look sad and full of regret, but never so empty.)

"For most people, death is simply an end. But what about you?"

"I don't care."

Shoyou's smile widened. For some reason, Gintoki felt a chill running down his spine. "That's just the kind of kid you are. A demon."

And then his smile softened and Gintoki could see the warm and the kindness returned to his eyes. "But you're too adorable to be a demon."

"Shoyou," Gintoki called his name. His throat felt dry. 

Shoyou was a hallucination of his tragic past, a figment of his imagination, and yet Gintoki's chest ached with real emotions, a mixed feeling of pride and regret.

He was losing his mind. Just like Takasugi.

.  
.

"I think I am slowly going crazy."

"You are already crazy, Zura."

"It's not Zura. It's Katsura," Katsura's eyes narrowed in unfocused gaze. His cheek was red and his breath smelled like alcohol.

It was a pretty rare occurence to see him drunk.

Which mean, he had a really serious problem this time.

"I see Shoyou-sensei sometimes," Katsura hiccuped. Gintoki felt his stomach churning at the mention of their teacher's name. "I am going crazy, aren't I?"

"It's okay," Gintoki said. He knew that Katsura wouldn't remember any of this in the morning so he continued, "I am going crazy too."

.  
.

Takasugi looked at him and muttered Shoyou's name.

Gintoki wondered whether all this time, he had been hallucinating Shoyou too.

All of them were losing their mind, he knew. But he wasn't Takasugi. He had his own principal and his own path as samurai.

Even though he lost his mind, he wouldn't lost his soul.

.  
.

Each time, his imagination of Shoyou looked more vivid and more confusing.

His smile was a mix of void and warmth. It was Shoyou but it wasn't Shoyou at the same time. Something else was there and Gintoki didn't want to think about it because it was all just his hallucination, what was the point?

But it was haunting him.

"This world is ugly, isn't it?"

"Shut up."

"In the end, you can't save anyone."

"Shut up!"

"You just want to destroy it, aren't you, Shiroyasha?"

Gintoki froze, his hand clutching the fabric of the hospital bed. Shoyou was looming over him, smiling in a way he never did before. "You just want to watch the world crumble in your hand until there's nothing left for you to protect."

He screamed.

Kagura and Shinpachi immediately rushed to his room.

"There's a cockroach here!" Gintoki said, an excuse, another lie.

He expected a kick or a protest "You almost give me a panic attack!" or something like that, but Shinpachi and Kagura were quiet.

"Gin-san," Shinpachi began after a minute of silence. "It's about the Shogun's death, isn't it?"

"There's really a cockroach here. There, near your feet."

Shinpachi looked down and screamed just like he did a few minutes ago (with more comedic effect and less angsty). Kagura snatched her umbrella.

"Wait a minute, Kagura-chan-"

"Don't use the umbrella, brat-"

It quickly turned into chaos.

Shoyou was nowhere in sight.

.  
.

Is this a hallucination too? Gintoki wondered. 

Shoyou was smiling, standing right in front of him.

But he was supposed to be dead, wasn't he?

This must be a dream, then. A hallucination.

"GIN-CHAN!!!"

Kagura's scream was ten times more real. 

.  
.

"But is he really losing his 'Shoyou persona' after I beheaded him?"

"I don't know," Nobume answered emotionlessly. 

Were those really just his hallucinations, then? Were those real or simply a dream he couldn't wake up from?

"Gin-chan?" Kagura looked up at him.

It was when those blue eyes full of concern directed at him that Gintoki realized it didn't matter.

"What do you want to eat for breakfast tomorrow, Kagura?"

.  
.


	6. once a sword is tainted with blood, it won't stop killing until it breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop running away, the sword seemed to say.

 

Gintoki was only slightly aware of his surrounding, the familiar darkness of Kabuki-chou. His vision was blurring and his stomach churned.

He was so drunk, it was a wonder he still managed to stand with his own feet.

Someone was talking to him. Gintoki didn't know who they were and what they actually wanted from him, but he knew enough from the smell of gunpowder and smoke.

A sword was pointed at him and Gintoki frowned at it, struggling to focus.

"..kill him..."

"...loser.."

"...his money..."

Gintoki shook his head. He knew that he was in a  dangerous situation but couldn't bring himself to care at the moment.

His first intention when he realized the distinct smell was to run as fast as possible but the sword was mocking him, bringing out too many memories.

(A grateful smile, a desperate scream, and a sword clenched in his hand. Everything else was a blur)

What are you, Sakata Gintoki? The sword seemed to ask.

He was someone who couldn't keep a simple promise. Someone who couldn't protect a single friend. Someone who lost everything and had nothing else.

Gintoki laughed, a broken laugh which could easily mistaken with the scream of despair.

When he woke up in the morning, his yukata was covered in blood. Gintoki stared.

It wasn't his blood.

.

.

Gintoki almost forgot how to breathe. The sword was there, pointed at his neck, mocking his very existence.

He shut his eyes but the memory was still there.

Once a sword was tainted with blood, it wouldn't stop killing until it broke.

"Hey, what are you doing? Give me your money!"

Ginoki gritted his teeth. His ears were ringing. Before he realized it, everything became a blur except him and the sword.

Someone was calling his name, a gentle voice of an old woman, but Gintoki couldn't remember who it was.

Later, so much, much later, he remembered waking up, standing amidst dead bodies.

Otose was watching him with hard eyes.

"I am..." Gintoki faltered. The bar was messed up and _bloody_. And it was all his fault.

He looked down and the sword was in his hand, glinting in the dim light. Gintoki wanted to puke.

"Gintoki," the old woman said softly. "Are you okay?"

Gintoki let out a shaky breath.

No, I am not. I've just killed someone. Again. And I probably won't stop killing in the near future. Why aren't you scared? Why do you look at me like that? Why don't you get angry at me?

Why, Shoyou?

"I am fine," he said, his throat dry.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Don't forget you haven't paid the rent."

Gintoki closed his eyes, his hand paused at the doorknob. "Don't you feel scared?"

"Of you? No, who would be scared of a brat like you?"

"I am not a brat," Gintoki scowled.

"Then, stop acting like one," Otose rolled her eyes. Gintoki wondered how she could do it, how she could act so casually around him without showing any hint of fear. "If you don't want to go anywhere, you can help me here."

Gintoki stared at the dead bodies on the floor and then at the sword in his hand.

Stop running away, the sword seemed to say.

That was rather insulting. The one who liked to run away was Katsura, not him.

"Okay."

Otose smiled.

A few days later, Gintoki decided to buy a bokuto. Just so he didn't have to hold a real sword ever again.

.

.

"Danna?"

Gintoki blinked, suddenly aware of his surrounding. There was a thick smell of blood and Gintoki moved his hand to cover his nose. Only to notice that he currently wielded two swords.

One hand holding his bokuto while the other holding a blood-stained sword.

It made him freeze. Gintoki didn't need to look around to see what he had caused. He could conclude from how red the ground was.

And then he remembered.

There were this groups of asshole which cornered them. It wasn't so bad at first but Shinpachi and Kagura were still young and inexperienced.

Those bastards almost killed them.

When a sword nearly cut Kagura's neck, Gintoki lost it.

"Where..." Gintoki looked around and grimaced at the gruesome sight he had created.

It looked too familiar.

Gintoki released a sigh of relief when he found Shinpachi and Kagura's body, obviously alive, amidst the dead bodies. He crouched down and hugged them, feeling their warmth and heartbeat.

Someone patted his shoulder. "Get out of here, Danna. Take them with you," Sougo said, his tone was as flat as usual but Gintoki could read the tension behind the words.

Captain of the Shinsengumi was letting a murderer go. How fucked up was that?

Still, Gintoki followed his instruction, carrying the two kids with him.

They never mentioned the murder incident that night nor how many bodies he had found.

.

.

"You have to let it go, Gintoki," Katsura said when Gintoki confessed his problem.

Gintoki couldn't help but laugh.

It wasn't as easy as Katsura made it sound. Heck, he was sure the other man couldn't do it either. None of them could.

But Katsura was still looking at him seriously, his eyes looked painfully sad.

That look was too much. Gintoki never wanted his friends to be so sad ever again.

"I can't," Gintoki blurted out.

Katsura shook his head. "You have to. You can't live your life like this."

What about you? Gintoki wanted to ask. What about Tatsuma? Takasugi?

It wasn't fair. Gintoki didn't want to hear Katsura said that to him when both of them knew full damn well how pathetic it sounded.

"Listen," Katsura said, hands clapping Gintoki's shoulder. "Their death- _his death_ -isn't your fault."

Gintoki glared. "I know that."

Distantly, he wondered why he bothered consulting with Katsura when the idiot was obviously as broken as he was (his fault, his fault, _his fault_ )

Katsura sighed. "Gintoki."

Gintoki looked away. "They wouldn't die if I am strong enough to protect them."

"Gintoki," Katsura's voice softened.

"They're dead, Zura. There's nothing I can do for them. I know that," Gintoki closed his eyes.

"Shinpachi and Leader won't die. They're strong," Katsura said, always so persistent. "Let it go, Gintoki."

intoki remembered now why he consulted with Katsura of all people. They, the four Heavenly Kings, always understood each other the best.

Katsura knew the fear that had been plaguing Gintoki's life.

More than anything, Gintoki was afraid of making that same grave mistake twice.

He dreamed of it sometimes. Fighting countless battle. Bathing in the pools of blood. If he was lucky, he saw Shoyou's severed head. Other times, it was Kagura's or Shinpachi's liveless eyes that staring back at him.

Gintoki shook his head. "I can't."

"But, they're strong," Katsura said, squeezing his shoulder. "And they'll get stronger. They'll be fine."

.

.

Gintoki never let it go. The mistake was his fault and would always be his alone.

But he did trust Shinpachi and Kagura. Rather, he had no choice but to trust them.

When they looked at him, there was nothing but trust in their eyes, so bright that it hurt just staring at them. Before he realized it, his own eyes, red and weary, mirrored their trust, not as bright but it was there in his heart, carved in his soul. And Gintoki wouldn't have it any other way.

For all the crap Katsura said to him, one thing was true. Those kids would be fine.

.

.


	7. a nightmare can stay in your mind for a day while a nice dream can disappear in less than a minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shiroyasa, the patriots called him. Even though underneath the tough mask, he was just Sakata Gintoki. A boy who wanted to protect. Nothing more and nothing less.
> 
> And even though Gintoki himself forgot about it, about the lonely little boy, Katsura would never forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You see, I dream bad things a lot but when I don't, I usually forget what it was about a few seconds after I am awake. Am I the only one?

Katsura walked across the hallway full of wounded soldier, each of them busy tending their wounds. Gintoki was easy to found amidst the crowd, his silver hair always stood out wherever he was.

Catching up to Gintoki was more difficult but Katsura managed, his body moving with calculated grace and carefulness along the hallway. 

This grace was one the reasons why he was able to escape many life-and-death situation, but Gintoki somehow always noticed when people, no matter how experienced, tried to sneak up on him. This time, too, Gintoki already noticed him even before Katsura tapped his bloodied shoulder.

"Where are you going?" Katsura asked.

It wasn't a question. Not really. Not when they both knew the answer already.

Gintoki shrugged. "Anywhere. Just not here."

Because right now anywhere could be a battlefield and that was where Gintoki wanted to be.

Katsura sighed. "You need to treat your wound first."

"I am fine. It's not my blood," Gintoki said, gesturing at the blood in his clothes and his sword.

Katsura tapped his shoulder again. Gintoki didn't react.

If Katsura hadn't watched Gintoki's shoulder got slashed with his own eyes, he would be utterly convinced.

Sighing heavily, Katsura forced the idiot to sit down and started to treat his wound.

Gintoki stared at him, unblinking. "I am fine."

And Gintoki probably believed it too, deceiving his own mind to make the pain hurt less. Katsura knew that trick, he'd done it to himself before.

But the way Gintoki used this trick, it was like he'd forgotten what pain felt like.

His red eyes were mostly blank these days and when Katsura looked at them, it was like staring eye-to-eye with a demon.

The Shiroyasa, the patriots called him. Even though underneath the tough mask, he was just Sakata Gintoki. A boy who wanted to protect. Nothing more and nothing less.

And even though Gintoki himself forgot about it, about the lonely little boy, Katsura would never forget.

"You should take some rest. You can sleep for now."

"I can't," Gintoki shook his head in defiance. "I... I need to fight."

The thing was; Katsura understood it too. It wasn't easy to sleep while knowing your comrades were probably dying out there on the battlefield.

In some particularly bad nights, the only way for them to have a good sleep was to keep fighting to the point of exhaustion.

If it was any other patriots, they would have long passed out by now, what with the wound on his shoulder which was practically pouring blood and some broken bones which Katsura didn't notice until he checked.

"Sleep, Gintoki," Katsura said, knowing Gintoki would disobey. From the start, Katsura knew that it was a pointless exchange.

But, still, even though everyone forgot, even though Gintoki himself forgot, Katsura wouldn't. He would never forget.

Gintoki grumbled and walked away. Katsura smiled bitterly, knowing the defeatead slump on Gintoki's shoulder was just an act. Knowing full well that Gintoki would bolt to the battlefield the minute he went out of sight.


	8. family means having each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The impact of Yoshiwara Arc lasted longer than either Gintoki and Kagura thought.

Kagura woke up with a sense of restlessness humming on her bones and nothing but darkness surrounding her.

The last time she woke up in the middle of the night like this was years ago, when rain was her region and fog and mist were her close friends. At those times, her mother was still alive, Kamui hadn't gone anywhere, and she had a long-haired father instead of a bald one.

At those time, her nightmares were mostly about unreal monsters and baseless fear.

Now, Housen was dead but he was real and Shinpachi was still alive but he was nearly killed. The fear hadn't been baseless and the monsters came from her own mind.

Kagura sighed and got up, moving from her bed. Her steps froze when she found Gintoki's bed empty and cold.

Instantly, Kagura was alert and awake. She whirled her head around and moved to another room, looking for a flash of silver amidst the darkness.

Kagura sighed in relief when she found Gintoki sitting on the couch in the living room, seemingly staring at nothing.

No, that wasn't quiet true. 

She felt something cold dropped in her stomatch when she recognized the look on Gintoki's face. 

Her mother had that look sometimes (too many times).

"Gin-chan?" Kagura asked.

Gintoki didn't respond, not even moving, his eyes still gazing at the past.

Kagura stood before him, her hand reaching to hold his hand. "Gin-chan."

What made Kagura sad was; it wasn't Sakata Gintoki who reacted at her calls. It was the Shiroyasha, whose hand catched her wrist in a tight grip.

"Gin-chan," Kagura said softly.

Gintoki blinked then squinted at her, releasing his grip. "Kagura? What are you doing? Young girls like you need to have enough rest."

He got up like nothing ever happened, as if he hadn't just showed his vulnerable state. Kagura suspected it was because he was too tired to mind it.

"Come on, I want to sleep too."

Kagura grinned in respond. There was a finger-shaped bruise forming in her wrist but she just followed Gintoki wordlessly.

She hoped Gintoki didn't have that look in his face ever again.

(She hoped, knew what an impossible wish it was, but didn't know what else to do except kept hoping and stayed by his side.)

"Gin-chan, can I sleep with you tonight?"

Usually Gintoki would comment on pedophilia and being accused as lolicon but tonight his eyes fluttered shut and he sighed tiredly, "Sure."

This way, Gintoki was reminded that he wasn't alone.

("Loneliness is a scary thing," her mother said. "It will haunt you until you're dead even though you're not alone anymore."

Little Kagura just hugged her because she didn't know what to make the loneliness haunting her eyes go away.)

.  
.

Gintoki glared.

Kagura glared back. Then, she sighed and her shoulder slumped in defeat. "Fine, Gin-chan. You can take the ice cream."

Gintoki raised an eyebrow because that didn't sound like Kagura at all. Usually, at this point, the little Yato would've taken the chocolate ice cream by force, using her powerful fist and precise kick.

"Alright," He put the ice cream down the table. "What's wrong with you?"

Kagura looked away, muttering, "It's nothing."

"Like hell it's nothing."

No, the shadow in her eyes couldn't be dismissed as nothing. It had been there ever since the Yoshiwara Arc and wouldn't seem disappear.

She'd been acting strange too. Just this morning, Gintoki saw Kagura pet Sahadaru very carefully as if the big dog was a very small puppy.

"Gin-chan," Kagura murmured, her voice uncharactically small. "Have you ever scared of your own strenght?"

Ah, so this was what it was about.

Gintoki wasn't at her side when Kagura fought the other Yato guy but from the sickening way she looked at people as if they made of breakable glass, he could guess what had happened.

(When Kagura started treating people as fragile things, she didn't notice the look on Shinpachi's face, the look which might imply to anyone watching that she was the fragile one.)

"No," Gintoki answered honestly. "Because I am not that strong."

Kagura gave him an incredulous look. 

It was true, though. If he was really strong-

Shoyou-

hewouldn'thavedied-

"Gin-chan?"

Gintoki blinked. Kagura was looking at him worriedly. "Ah, what are we talking about again?"

"Gin-chan," Kagura said impatiently with a touch of concern in her tone.

"Um, what I want to say is; Kagura, in the end, it's not about you."

"Huh?"

"It's about the people around you. Just think about it," Gintoki smiled bitterly. "Do you think me and Shinpachi can easily shatter because of your weak little punch?"

And when understanding dawning on Kagura's face, Gintoki knew that she'd understood. 

It was a permission from him for Kagura to be her usual violent self.

Because despite what the Amanto tought, human wouldn't just break so easily.

"I see," Then, her smile turned michiveous. "I want that ice cream, after all, Gin-chan!"

Kagura's punch was somewhat weaker than her usual ones but the determination (to be stronger, to protect, to fight with her heart) in her eyes was burning so fiercely that Gintoki was pretty sure she could overcome whatever fear plaguing her.

If what she feared became true, Gintoki would stop her with his own fist. But that was a worry for another day. Now, Gintoki just needed to worry for the possible lost of his ice cream.

.  
.


	9. no matter how you think about it butterflies are on different stage of life with old men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It strucks you then that you know this man, his face bringing back painful memories of bloody battlefield.

The door is opened and someone steps inside. You look up to see a young man with bright silver hair and two kids arguing inside your store.

It strucks you then that you know this man, his face bringing back painful memories of bloody battlefield.

You were so young and stupid and reckless and this man was so much younger.

The battlefield took away your leg and pride and you can still remember him standing over you with shadowed eyes.

When Katsura sent you back to your hometown, you thought you could never see him again.

When you heard the Amanto had won, you thought you would never see him again.

And yet here he is, always the sole survivor amongst them.

The shadow is still there in his eyes and you can't found it in yourself to be jealous of his strenght.

"But, Gin-chan, I really want to eat sukiyaki."

"Nope. We will have ramen instant for dinner tonight."

"Again? Gin-san, that stuff isn't good for our health!"

"That's not true. You can become a hokage if you eat ramen instant everyday."

"Gin-chan, I just want sukiyaki. I don't want to be a hokage."

The sight of them arguing and joking around warm your heart. Sakata Gintoki doesn't smile, eyes just as empty as the days he fought side by side with you, but he looks almost content and maybe that's good enough.

Once upon a time, you asked the legendary demon what he would do in the future if he survived.

Shiroyasha just looked up at you blankly and it wrenched your heart when he answered dazedly, "I don't know."

As if the thought of a happy future wasn't something he could consider.

But it's clearly different now. At least, until he catches your gaze and freezes in his spot. Like a child being caught stealing by his mother.

"You..." His gaze flicked to the empty space where your leg was supposed to be. He looks like he wants to puke.

There's a sickening look in his face and he flinches when you grimace. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

"I forget something," Shiroyasha mumbles before he turns around and has already gone before you could stop him.

The two kids follow him hurriedly, no doubt are bewildered and confused about his sudden change of mood.

You understand that, you can respect it, but there's still something in your heart aching for the boy who had first stepped into battlefield with a firm resignation that simply wasn't supposed to be there.

Shiroyasha comes again the next day, still looking like a guilty child. His eyes full of hesitation, and uncertainty and he looks so fragile that it breaks your heart all over again over how young he actually is.

But uncertain and fragile he might be, Shiroyasha is never the coward. He approaches you with that heart-wrenching resignation and you try very hard not to cry.

You smile instead. "It has been a long time, isn't it?"

Shiroyasha nods, "Yes it is."

He is never the coward.

.  
.

You're not surprised when you get exactly the same child-like reaction from Katsura Koutarou, Takasugi Shinsuke, and Sakamoto Tatsuma.

None of them are cowards either.

.  
.

You are just a one-legged old man. You still remember the kids stumbling into the battlefield. You remember how the light in their eyes slowly dimmed but never disappeared even after years of struggling and being cornered.

You remember the demon, the noble, the dragon, and the commander.

You remember and you know they never forget.


	10. remember that you will die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ironically, one of the first lessons Shoyou teached them was 'memento mori'.

Just because Gintoki liked to sleep in the class didn't mean he ignored all the lessons.

Shoyou looked the brightest when he was teaching, eyes shining with something like hope.

"Memento mori," Shoyou said, standing in front of the class. "Remember that you will die."

Gintoki frowned at that because he could still hear the crows whispering, _Corpse-Eating Demon_ , in his ears, the words repeating in his mind.

It was a reminder.

He fought and fought and _survived_. A demon.

Shoyou catched his eyes and smiled kindly. "It's a reminder," he said, looking straight at Gintoki. "Remember that you will die," he repeated.

You will die too one day, his smile said.

Gintoki tilted his head, not returning the smile.

.

.

Gintoki looked up, staring at the crow perched upon the roof not far from him.

He could hear it chanting, _Shiroyasha_ , like a curse, like a reminder.

"Kintoki!"

His eyes twiched. "My name is Gintoki. Remember that already."

Sakamoto climbed the roof and sat beside him, ignoring his grumbles. He laughed obnoxiously as if there was something in the world worth laughing at.

Gintoki didn't understand him sometimes. Sakamoto joined the war with a grin and that sparkle in his eyes never truly disappeared even through the fire and ashes.

(The fire was warm but Gintoki felt cold. He glanced at Sakamoto who didn't smile, just staring at the fire emotionlessly.

He thought that sparkle of hope in his eyes would vanish but the next morning Sakamoto still laughed mockingly at the world.)

Gintoki eyed his injuries. "You're so careless today."

Sakamoto stiffened, smiling bitterly. "Yeah. I am a human, after all. I can't keep being strong and careful all the time."

Maybe, but Gintoki knew that wasn't the entire reason. The enemy today was children-looking amantos. They looked so weak and fragile, Gintoki could understand why Sakamoto, along with so many other patriots, was catched off guard.

"You should be more careful," Gintoki said. "If you're hurt, no one can smuggles chocolate for me."

Sakamoto laughed again. He was really so careless, not realizing how Gintoki almost had have a panic attack when he saw all the blood wouldn't stop pouring.

"My teacher once teached me; Memento mori," Gintoki whispered quietly. Sakamoto's laugh subsided, turning into a smile he couldn't dechiper. "Remember that you will die."

"Yeah," Sakamoto said. He didn't say anything else.

.

.

Gintoki thought the crows would stop bothering him now that the war was over. Instead, they got worse.

He leaned againts the wall, calming his breaths. Once his breathing became clear, the noises stopped, leaving him truly alone in the darkness of the alley.

Or maybe not.

Gintoki kept his head down. "What do you want to do from now on?"

"I want to take revenge," Takasugi answered, half of his face hidden in the shadow. He didn't step closer and Gintoki didn't move from his spot.

They just stood there, observing each other like a hunter did to its prey.

"On me?" Gintoki asked. He shut his eyes, the crows suddenly getting louder in his ears.

_Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha-_

"On the world," Takasugi said and Gintoki struggled to focus on his voice. "I'll cut everything in my way. Even you. Especially you."

_Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha. Shiroyasha-_

"Remember, Gintoki," Takasugi said before turning around. "that you will die."

And the screams suddenly stopped.

When he was sure Takasugi had left, Gintoki stumbled forward.

"Oi, are you okay?" someone said.

Gintoki wanted to say he was okay but his voice was muffled and his body was heavy.

The world was spinning, crows flew in the sky like an alarm, like a reminder.

The darkness embraced him when he fall to the ground.

.

.

The hospital was peacefully quiet. This kind of peace was a very rare blessing in his life.

Gintoki was in the middle of reading his Jump when Katsura visited him in the afternoon. He turned at the dark-haired man standing in the doorway, knowing his piece wouldn't last longer.

"I brought you flowers," he said, putting said flowers to the table. "Are you alright?"

"I've been worse," Gintoki answered, nonchalant.

Katsura's eyes narrowed. "Shinpachi and Leader are worried sick about you."

Gintoki knew that. He could tell from the dark circles under their eyes when they had visited him this morning.

"What were you thinking?"

He wasn't thinking obviously.

When it came to fight and battle, Gintoki always relied more on intinct than logic.

And yesterday, when a serial killed jumped on Kagura, Gintoki had simply moved, covering the little girl with his body. It was just that. A mindless action led by his heart.

It was one thing Gintoki couldn't control.

Katsura should have known that already so Gintoki ignored the question. He continued reading his Jump.

The long-haired man sighed and sat beside his bed. Then with voice so small Gintoki barely catched it, Katsura murmured the words, "Memento mori."

Gintoki tensed but didn't look up.

"You still remember, don't you?"

There were no voice of crows this time. Gintoki hadn't heard its song for a long time.

Gintoki faked a lazy smirk, "Of course, I remember."

Katsura held both of his hands, pushing his Jump away. "Gintoki," he called his name firmly. "It's still too early for you to die."

Don't die.

Was that a request?

No, not a request. It was worse. A plea.

"I don't know, Zura."

"Not Zura, it's Katsura."

"I don't even know what I am."

"You're Sakata Gintoki," Katsura said quickly. "You're not a demon or anything, okay? You're a mortal like any other person. You're no one special. You're just Sakata Gintoki."

 _But I keep surviving_ , _Zura_ , Gintoki thought desperately. _I survive while everyone else die_.

(Memento mori.

Remember mortality.

It meant Kagura could die, Shinpachi could get himself killed, Otose would passed away one day, Tama would no longer here-

And when everyone was gone, Gintoki would be left all alone.)

Gintoki looked away. "Yeah."

Katsura let go of his hands. "Remember that you will die, Gintoki."

It always sounded reassuring everytime.

Gintoki didn't need crows to remind him of his sin. He heard them call him a demon and was afraid that maybe surviving and watching his friends died would be his punishment.

But, for some reason, he always needed to be reminded that he would die in the end. Just like any mortals.

Gintoki smiled.

The smile didn't last long because the Shinsengumi showed up on the worst possible time.

He didn't complain at the noisy atmosphere (which quickly affected the whole hospital), but only because he had already guessed his rare peace wouldn't last long.

(For some reason, watching Hijikata and his men chasing Katsura around, Gintoki oddly felt at ease.)

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the potisive responds guys!


	11. It's not like you can be sick just by standing in the rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When being left under the rainfall alone for too long, Kagura’s eyes became so distant, as if her entire presence had shifted to somewhere else completely. Gintoki didn’t hate rain exactly, but he did hate the grey sky, hating how unnaturaly quiet it could be.   
> And Shinpachi really couldn’t stand the thunder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you guys, but I feel like it has been a long time since I write a fanfiction. You see, around five or six weeks ago, I graduated from high school and moved into college. I've lost my passion to write since then. Maybe it's because the sudden change of environment? Anyway, I can't just left my readers hanging, so here it is. The last chapter from me for my beloved readers.

It was raining heavily. Kagura had her umbrella so she would be fine. The umbrella would protect her, that was what Mama always said. The cold didn’t bother her either.

The rain was pouring heavily.

Had it ever stop at all?

Was there even a chance to see the rainbow? The sunlight?

No, it had always been like this from the  very start.

If she didn’t move away ( _run run run_ ), she might get a cold. That would be troublesome.

But she would be fine. She had to be the strong one. Weak, that guy said. But he was wrong.

Kagura wasn’t weak. That was why she would wait. Under this rainfall, in front of an empty house. She would be fine. Kagura would wait forever if she had to. For that day where she didn’t have to be alone.

The rain never showed any sign of stopping.

She held her umbrella more tightly. It felt strangely cold, even though the season wasn’t supposed to bother her. It was a familiar feeling.

But right now, she was really alone, wasn’t she? Mama was dead, Brother was running away, and Papa never returned, and under this rainfall, Kagura was completely utterly alon-

“Kagura.”

Kagura took a deep breath then turned around, facing Gintoki who held a beautiful umbrella in one hand and a parfait in another. Shinpachi stood beside him, staring at her with an unreadable look on his face.

Kagura smiled.

“What is it, Gin-chan?”

Gintoki looked down at her hands. He shrugged and turned away. “Nothing. Let’s just go home. I don’t want to do anything right now.”

“Eh? You’re just too lazy, Gin-chan! What about our pitiful client?”

“He is indeed pitiful but it’s rude stating it out loud, Kagura-chan.”

“That man pissed me off. If he really wants to know what’s his ex-girlfriend doing everyday, he could just stalk her himself!”

That was what Shinpachi said from the start too.

The straight man was supposed to say something like ‘Isn’t that what I’ve told you from the beginning?’ but Shinpachi just smiled kindly. Kagura didn’t really get what the smile was supposed to mean.

“Come on, Kagura.”

“Okay, then, if Gin-chan said so.”

But it was really a waste. The payment was enough to buy hundreds pack of sukonbu. Kagura couldn’t bring herself to regret it though.

It was only when she went home that she realized her hands were shaking. Neither Gintoki and Shinpachi said anything about it.

The rain wouldn’t stop pouring but even without umbrella, Kagura knew that she would be fine.

It was a fact she wasn’t alone, after all.

(So, what if she had to be reminded of that fact every once in a while? She would be fine. She had to be.)

.

.

Oh, it was extremely quiet today. Gintoki sat at the window, looking up at the ugly grey sky. It had become a depressingly boring sight.  When Ketsuno Anna had said that it would be rain for weeks, Gintoki didn’t expect how hellish it would be. It was simply unbearable. Shinpachi’s and Kagura’s mood were completely affected by it.

Though, Gintoki found it sad that the rain didn’t bother them as much as the painful memories it brought.

If it continued, they would break.

Heck, Gintoki had been broken for a long time but he still got affected by it.

And right now, the apartement was just too quiet.

Gintoki could only heard the sound of the downpour. If he closed his eyes, he could easily imagine Takasugi’s voice screaming at him. He could imagine Shoyou’s smile, how tragic it made him look.

The scene was vivid and it felt real. Some days, Gintoki just felt like he was still trapped in that battlefield, in the same place, with Shoyou’s back facing him and Takasugi shouting his name.

And when he opened his eyes, the sky was still grey.

How irritating.

Gintoki had been broken for a very long time but it didn’t mean the world could stop breaking him all over again, cracking everything into pieces and then cracking them again into even smaller pieces.

He sighed as the rain outside kept pouring.

“Shinpachi, Kagura.”

“Hm?”

“What’s wrong, Gin-san?”

Gintoki turned away. “Nothing.”

At least the pieces were still existing.

Through the reflection on the window, Gintoki could see Kagura and Shinpachi sharing worried glances.

Great, now he made them worried.

Gintoki picked up his bokuto on the floor. “Come on, brats, let’s eat at the old woman’s place.”

“Do you have money, Gin-chan?”

He didn’t but any more debts wouldn’t make Otose hating him.

The old woman was too kind for her own goods. What a stupid woman.

(In the end, Otose took one look at them then declared that she would treat them dinners that night. Gintoki could only smile bitterly at her. Otose wasn’t stupid. She was so sharp that it bugged Gintoki more than it should be.)

.

.

Gintoki and Kagura were stubborn but Shinpachi knew that something about the rain was breaking them apart. It was so bad that Kagura couldn’t even pretend that her hands weren’t shaking whenever she was left alone and Shinpachi had seen Gintoki’s calm facade cracked too.

Gintoki had always been good at hiding things and Kagura could be a great actor if she wanted to. So when they showed such reactions, Shinpachi knew he had to do something.

He went to Ketsuno’s residence.

Ketsuno Ana was surprisingly compliant on his request and when Shinpachi asked if it was really alright changing the weather since it would affect her career, the woman just laughed good-naturedly.

“It’s fine,” she said with her usual charming smile. It was so blinding looking at it up close. “Rather I am worried about you.”

Shinpachi blinked. “Me?”

“Isn’t the rain affecting you too?”

He thought about it.

The rain never really bothered him. It was just the thunder, the flash of light in the sky, which for some reason left his legs shaking. Under the rainfall, Shinpachi always had the urge to run to his home, to make sure that Ani-ue was completely safe. It would annoy Ani-ue if she knew that so Shinpachi always supressed those urges.

But really, the thunder wasn’t supposed to bother him. Shinpachi was pretty sure he was never scared of thunder and lightning before.

It was just sometimes, when the sound of thunder was particularly loud and the flash of light in the sky looked intimidating, Shinpachi always heard these voices and images in his head, the screams of battle and the smile of a falling warrior. It always made him wanted to cry. Which was pathetic because that wasn’t what Hajime-nii taught him at all.

Hajime-nii taught him to smile so he did.

“I am fine, really.”

“Young man,” Ketsuno Ana’s brother shook his head exasperatedly. Shinpachi had been trying to ignore him since he entered their living room, but it was difficult when the man was staring at him intensely. “It’s normal for someone like you to hear those voices. Don’t reject them. Whose voice is that? Your loved one? A brother, isn’t it?”

Shinpachi’s smile dropped. This was why he didn’t want to talk to Ketsuno Seimei at all. Since the moment he entered Ketsuno’s residence, the man had been watching him closely, as if he could hear those screaming voices too.

Ketsuno Ana coughed, her charming smile seemingly turning colder as she turned to her older brother. Seimei shrugged then left the room right away.

Shinpachi let out a sigh he didn’t realize was holding.

“Please don’t worry too much,” Ketsuno Ana said gently. “I’ll ask my brother to help too.”

“Right,” Shinpachi said, nodding awkwardly.

“You can just ignore what he said. Though, to be honest, I also think what he said is true.” Shinachi couldn’t help but flinched. He knew that too. After all- “It’s just so painful watching you like that. You know that feeling very well, don’t you?”

Shinpachi sighed. Apparently, Ketsuno Ana was even more scarier than her brother. Saying something like that and yet still having a perfectly charming smile on her face,  that was just downright creepy.

“Thanks for your concerns. But I can handle it.” Shinpachi quickly got up and left. He glanced at Ketsuno Ana’s smile for one last time and it made him pissed off how sad she looked.

He didn’t need pity. Neither did Gintoki.

 

When he went arrived at the apartement, the rain had stopped and the sun was beaming as if it never hid its face from the world in the first place. The power of Ketsuno Clan was sure amazing.

Ketsuno Ana had stated that they would help Yorozuya anytime. It was really tempting and anyone in their right mind would have jumped at the offers but Shinpachi felt like he wouldn’t want to step into Ketsuno’s residence for a long while.

“Where have you been, Shinpachi?” Gintoki asked him the moment he stepped into the living room. The man was lazily louging in the sofa, looking so carefree to anyone else but him. Kagura was lying on the floor, reading Shounen Jump and humming happily. Shinpachi couldn’t resist to smile. It was nice that Kagura had returned to her usual self.

“Er.. I was on an errand? Anyway, I am starving, Gin-san. Don’t you have any foods?”

“I don’t but Sadaharu still have some, I think.”

“Just how shameless you can be?”

Shinpachi wasn’t really starving, though, so he let it slide for now. He looked closely at Gintoki’s face. The rain had stopped but the man still looked struggling.

It was indeed painful.

“Was she predicting it wrong?” Gintoki mumbled. Shinpachi turned away, pretending to tidy the table so Gintoki didn’t have to see his panicked face. Thankfully, Kagura chose that moment to get up and pointed at the sky. “Look, Gin-chan, a rainbow!”

“Oh, you’re right,” Gintoki squinted as he looked outside the window. “It has only been one week but I feel like I haven’t seen the bright blue sky since forever.”

Shinpachi sat beside the white-haired man. “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

Gintoki stared at him then looked at the blue sky. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if my writing has become suck. And I think I completely forget how grammar and tenses supposed to work too. I mean I am so terribly confused when my college teacher explained tenses even though english is supposed to be the only class I can completely understand. It made me wonder if I have lost in touch with my writing skill.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for putting up with me. Your comments and kudos always brigthen my days.


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